Performance from Club VD night, Ponti’s, London – 6/1/23 https://fb.watch/hWylf2strQ/

Name: Lady Macbeth 

Age: A lady never reveals her age. Especially if she’s angling for a L’Oreal commercial.

Occupation: Getting my sad sack of a husband to kill all the weedy fuckers who stop us being top dogs. I’d do it but I can’t apparently because I’m a woman. 🙄

About me: I like dinner parties. Except when my husband sees ghosts at them. That really brings the mood down. I like wandering around at night with a candle as if I’m in a Kate Bush video. I like washing my hands. They always look so….bloody… y’know? It’s weird, I washed them only ten minutes ago and now they’re bloody again. Go figure….

 

Ophelia

Age: We’ll say 17 (but that’s for legal reasons)

Occupation: What?

I’m very fond of flowers. And water. Sometimes I get into some running water and arrange the flowers. That might be my undoing one day, but I’ve heard men like girls who come across as a bit weird and unstable, so they can rescue them. I worship mean and moody males. Even though they make me miserable.

 

Gertrude

Age: Younger than you think. It was a teen pregnancy.

Occupation: Widow turned wife to my brother-in-law

You can see the problem, which is why I want out. Also, my son is a leeetle bit too attached. It’s not exactly healthy between us. If he had a proper girlfriend it would help, but he’s just got this drippy weed hanging about. I’m not joking, half the time she actually has weeds in her hair. Or maybe that is her hair. Anyway, I’m an excellent dinner date.

 

 Juliet Capulet (what bozo chose a name that rhymed with my surname..?)

Age: 14, baby.

Occupation: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

So like, my parents want me to marry this really boring boy, but I like boys from the wrong side of the tracks. Those who aren’t from my ‘hood, you get me? If there’s no drama in your life, then what’cha gonna put on your Insta posts? Lock up your knives, that’s all I’m saying.

 

Nurse. (sighs) Just Nurse

Age: I’m 30-bloody-7. That’s what pisses me off right there, alright. Whenever you see me portrayed on stage I’m like this ancient old crone, whereas actually I’m still a young, vibrant, sexually active dominatrix. Yes, you heard me. The queue of limp-dicked men who need me to unsheathe their manhoods is very lengthy, I can tell you…As for that Friar, you should see what goes on under his religious cloak

Occupation: Oh, I ran out of space.

 

Miranda

I wrote Brave New World. Jog on, Aldous.

My dad is really controlling. And mad. He does all these weird illusions like he’s David Blaine or something. He thinks I’m sweet and innocent. Like most men, he can’t see past the end of his (magic) stick. Caliban…mmmhmm! I like them hairy. And with an extra arm.

 

Witches…? Nuh-huh. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce.

I don’t think they can handle this.

Occupation: Destiny’s Children

It’s true. We can see your future with the aid of our magic potion. Our cauldron shows us everything, moving woods, a line of kings, severed heads…. Something else that should be added. We’re a threesome. Oh, and we have optional beards, if that floats your codpiece. I think the kinky Nurse should bow out now, we cater to ALL tastes.

 

Viola slash Cesario

I’m about 22…? Not sure really, I got a bump on the head when I was shipwrecked

Occupation: Wooer of a woman on behalf of my employer

Yeah, as I’m saying it, I realise it doesn’t sound good. I am in the MOTHER of all love triangles. I’m pretending to be a boy and the cross dressing thing is most excellent, I’m gonna stick with it, cos skirts are limiting. But now this bird is in love with me and I like the bloke I’m supposed to be bigging up to her. Maybe I should go on Ru Paul, as a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. That’s meta

 

 Katherine

Occupation: [pause] Shrew

Ooo, why am I not married off yet? I’m described as sharp-tonged, quick tempered and prone to violence. Maybe I just don’t appreciate being told what to do by every man around me. Maybe I don’t appreciate men at all. Did they ever consider I might sit on the other side of the church…?. The ending of my story is ‘a problem’. Am I tamed, or am I not? My status is single: make of THAT what you will.

 

Desdemona (Desde-desde-desdemona…)

 Who else in this list has a song written about them. I mean, sure, fragrant muff Gwynneth was in a hit film, but I’ve had a song about me on Fame, with a dizzying string arrangement by ELO. In fact I’m not single all, I just wanted to plug the song. Byeee

 

Titania

I’m the Queen of the Fairies

I like winding Oberon up. We’ve been fighting over custody of this frigging kid for ages. To be honest, I don’t even want the kid, but I don’t want Oboe having him either. I like meddling in other people’s love lives and turning idiots into asses. Don’t cross me. Or fall asleep in my wood. (That’s not a euphemism, by the way)

 

Helena

19, Occupation: Runaway Bride

Yeah, it’s so mature isn’t it, when you say you don’t like someone, then you say that you do, then you get your mate to pretend they like you too and claim it was all some bad mushrooms you found in the enchanted wood and you didn’t know what you were doing?! If you find the crotch missing on your trousers, you’ll know that I really wasn’t laughing that much.

 

Hermia

I’m 18

The ACTUAL Runaway Bride

Oh my God, that beanpole is bitter, much….It’s not my fault the boys like me better. Maybe if she smiled a bit more and perhaps stooped a bit. Guys don’t want you towering over them.

 

 Beatrice

So, I’m quite funny, ‘for a woman’. I have this on-off thing with Benedick (clue’s in the name there), although he’s given me the runaround before, so this lady is back on the market! If my barbs might bend your dick, swipe left.

 

Goneril

And the next sister down is 34. She’ll deny this

Occupation: Duchess. SENIOR duchess. I’m like the Kate to her Meghan

So, don’t worry about Albany. He’s just where the money is. And Edmund is just too cute to be resisted. But I have plenty of appetite, let me tell you. I’m quite bossy, but I’m sure you’ll be able to handle that

 

 Regan

Put it down as 27. That’s my playing age.

Duchess (the cool duchess)

I see you’ve got Gonorrhoea first. Noted. I’ve had ENOUGH of playing second fiddle to other women. Yeah, I’m the difficult middle child. Wouldn’t you be, when you’ve got Little Miss Perfect as a younger and that Lickarse as an older? I know how to wield a cleaver. Wait, where are you goi…?

 

Cordelia

I think Daddy said I’m 17

Occupation: Being nice

I don’t know why I’m on this list. I’m not complicated. I am sweet and good. I’m the only one who loves Daddy properly. I tell him home truths. He doesn’t always like it. Sometimes I play the Fool though. I suppose that makes me more complicated. Look, I’ll put on this [silly hat] and see if that makes a difference.