Recently, a piece entitled ‘If Literature’s Complicated Men were on Tinder’ was circulating. I notice it was written two years ago, but I only saw it a couple of months back. https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-literatures-complicated-men-were-on-tinder
So, whilst in lockdown, I thought I’d like to do something similar for some of the Shakespearian ladies…
Name: Lady Macbeth
Age: A lady never reveals her age. Especially if she’s angling for a L’Oreal commercial.
Occupation: Persuading my sad sack of a husband to kill all the weedy shitholes who stand in the way of us being top dogs. I’d do it but I can’t apparently because I’m a woman. ?
About Lady Macbeth: I like dinner parties. Except when my husband sees ghosts at them. That really brings the mood down. I like washing my hands. They always look so….bloody… y’know? It’s weird, I washed them only ten minutes ago and now they’re bloody again. Go figure….
Name: Ophelia (I don’t have a second name because I’m just a girl)
Age: We’ll say 18 (but that’s for legal reasons).
About Ophelia: I’m very fond of flowers. And water. Sometimes I get into some running water and arrange the flowers. That might be my undoing one day, but I’ve heard men like girls who come across as a bit weird and unstable, so they can rescue them. I worship mean and moody men. Even though they make me miserable.
Name: Juliet Capulet (what bozo in my family thought having my first name rhyme with my last was a good idea…?)
Age: 14, baby.
Occupation: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
About Juliet: So, like, my parents want me to marry this really boring boy, but I like boys from the wrong side of the tracks. Those who are not from my ‘hood, you get me? If there’s no drama in your life, then what’cha gonna put on your Instagram posts? Lock up your knives, that’s all I’m saying.
Name: Titania (surname…? Eh?!)
Age: You mortals wouldn’t grasp the concept of my age.
Occupation: Queen of the Fairies.
About Titania: I like winding Oberon up. We’ve been fighting over custody of this frigging kid for ages. Tbh, I don’t even want the kid, but I don’t want Oboe having him either. I like turning idiots into asses. Don’t cross me. Or fall asleep in my wood. (That’s not a euphemism, btw).
Name: Miranda, Daughter of Prospero
Occupation: I wrote Brave New World. Sod off, Aldous.
About Miranda: My dad is really controlling. And mad. He does all these weird illusions like he’s David Blaine or something. He thinks I’m sweet and innocent. Like most men, he can’t see past the end of his (magic) stick. Caliban…mmmhmm! I like them hairy. And with an extra arm.
Name: Regan of Cornwall
Age: Put it down as 27. That’s my playing age.
About Regan: I see you’ve put Lady M down as top dog. That’s been noted. I’ve had ENOUGH of playing second fiddle to other women. Yeah, I’m the difficult middle child. Wouldn’t you be, when you’ve got Little Miss Perfect as a younger and that Lickarse as an older? I know how to wield a cleaver. Wait, where are you goi…?
Name: Katherine Minola
About Katherine: Ooo, why am I not married off yet? I’m described as sharp-tonged, quick tempered and prone to violence. Maybe I just don’t being told what to do by every man around me and some of the women too. The ending of my story is apparently a problem. Am I tamed, or am I not? My status is Single: make of THAT what you will.
Name: Helena Nedar
Occupation: Runaway Bride
About Helena: Yeah, it’s so mature isn’t it, when you say you don’t like someone, then you say that you do, then get your mate to pretend to like you too and claim it was all some bad mushrooms you found in the enchanted wood and you didn’t know what you were doing?! If you find the crotch missing on your trousers, you’ll know that I really wasn’t laughing that much.
Name: Beatrice (Who Knows…?)
Occupation: Defender of Hero.
About Beatrice: So, I’m quite funny, ‘for a woman’, apparently. No-one messes with my family. I have this on-off thing with Benedick (clue’s in the name there), although he’s given me the runaround before, so this lady is back on the market! If my barbs might bend YOUR dick, swipe left.
Name: Cordelia Le France
Age: I think Daddy said I’m 17
Occupation: Being nice.
About Cordelia: I don’t know why I’m on this list. I’m not complicated. I am sweet and good. I’m the only one who loves Daddy properly. I tell him home truths. He doesn’t always like it. Sometimes I play the Fool though. I suppose that makes me more complicated. Look, I’ll put on a silly hat and see if that makes a difference.