Some time back I created My Pet Peeves as a Facebook thing. It then briefly had a life as a blog on The Argus (now seems to be defunct). Below are some of the ‘peeves’ – I’ll create a new doc for the next lot.

I’ve invented one of those facebook list type things! You can ignore it if you like, but I hope some of you will respond with your own pet peeves. I haven’t set strictures on the number of peeves or people you send to. You go crazy now. We’re not talking major politics or global disasters here, just the small stuff that PISSES YOU OFF. No doubt someone will tell me this has already been done on facebook in 1486. Well that person can bog off. This is my list and I’ll cry if I want to.

I thank you

1. Swimming pool staff

All swimming pools seem to be solely staffed by a group of surly, imbecilic teens who bark censure from their ‘highchairs’ when anyone looks like they might be having fun. In between times, they move chairs, look bored and flash their tanned legs at each other. At no point would I feel secure in their ability to save anyone’s life. The tills are normally staffed by an equivalent version, but 40 years older.

2. People who can’t spell definite

Really, a lot of people can’t spell definite. Even perhaps some of you reading this. Why this poor little word has an ‘a’ shoved in it on a regular basis is a mystery to me.

3. Ryanair

Their hidden charges, including the fact that it costs you about £30 to actually buy the ticket. The mysterious strictures surrounding the weight of baggage. It is acceptable to have two bags of 15kg but not one of 10kg and one of 20kg. Are we worried about the baggage handlers’ ickle wickle arms being pulled out of joint by uneven distribution? Their ‘speedy’ boarding policy, where the crew spend twice as long rearranging the plane once it’s realised that the children actually have no seat anywhere near their parent because they’ve boarded last: due to struggling with toddlers, buggies and the fact they’ve been shoved aside by people who think it is imperative they not be parted from their travelling companion for as much as 90 minutes.

4. The pause between ‘the winner /person evicted is ………………………………..mothballs roll merrily……………Bruce Forsyth looks wobbly ………………………………..bindweed sprouts out of the telly …………………………………….Bruce Forsyth falls over………………church bells toll mournfully………..Bruce Forsyth dies etc etc………. and the name of our latest entertainment sensation.

5. ‘At the end of the day’, LOL (as in ‘I went to the shop. LOL’) and other fatuous figures of speech.

6. Natwest

If I really wanted you to suffer, this would take several pages. I appear to be locked into their grasp for time immemorial. I shall give one choice, quite recent example of the gibbering stupidity they’ve inflicted on me over the years. I noticed a few months ago I had stopped receiving bank statements. I phoned them to report this and asked did they have the address correct (they have on at least 3 occasions in the past changed the address they sent mail to, to an old address of mine for no reason at all).

‘I’ll have to take you through security’, said the numpty, ‘can you give me your address…?’

I pointed out that this was the nub of the problem.

After I’d told her the address. ‘That’s not what we’ve got on the system.’

I said ‘Can you tell me the address you’ve got?’

‘No, we’re not allowed to for security reasons.’

Deep breath. I suddenly had a flash of inspiration from a dimly recollected incident of their stupidity some years back. ‘Would the address you have be 218 Upper St, Islington?’

‘Yes’

‘That’, I said gravely, ‘is the address of one of your branches, where my account is held.’

‘Oh, I don’t know how that happened.’

7. Websites for art galleries that are so busy being artistic and interesting they omit to mention practical details, such as opening hours, whether there is an entrance fee and barely even the address.

8. People who say ‘Have you got the right time at all?’ as if I’m about to parade a selection of wrong times in front of them and say ‘take your pick’. And why the ‘at all’?

9. When you take the bag of peas out of the freezer and it always, but ALWAYS, shoots several peas onto the floor.

10. The ride on machines at play places and motorway service stations. They fleece you of all your cash. You have no option but to cough up. Occasionally you manage to convince the kids it’s not working, only to have someone else come along and put money in it. Occasionally you give in and put money in it to get a daggers look from another harassed parent who’s convinced their child the machine is not working. It’s lose lose all the way, except for the people who make all the money from it, greedy bastards. I’d rather pay a couple of quid extra and have the ride be free.

11. The colour pink. Not so much a strong magenta type, but the sickly baby pink variety that girls are supposed to like and looks hideous on anyone over the age of 4.